The Quiet Things No One Knows
by YourAngelStandingBy
Summary: KakaSaku sort of. Kakashi deals with his feelings after a botched mission. Rated for language and suggested adult themes. Also, it's oneshot and needs some revision. I'll get around to it! I swear!


_**Quiet things no one knows**_

_Author's note: _As promised (in my fic, **Tortured**), here's my Kaka/Saku, except it's a one shot. Why? Because I don't feel like writing a chaptered story!

I should note, the character's aren't mine, but the concept is. Don't like this pairing? Then GTFO. Flame if you want. I only respond to constructive critisim.

Everything else is laughed at... unless it's postive feed back. that always rocks.

Title of the story if a song by Brand New, but this is not a song fic. I hate those.

Angsty, angsty, angsty. That's all this will be. I'm no good at smut. If this story drags, let me know, as well as any OOCness. I know there will be SOME, but if it's like a neon light, let me know.

-Angel

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He couldn't remember the last time he was this angry. No, angry was too soft of a word. He was _pissed_. Pissed because, despite everything that he did, no matter how hard he tried to be the hero, and to do the right thing, his life was still full of misery. Everyone he ever cared about died. His father, Obito, Rin, and so many others that it practically killed him to think about it. But he kept going. After all, Hatake Kakashi was never one to simply give up, roll over, and die. He had his principles and he had his honor, and neither one would let him be a quitter.

That was before what happened on the last mission. It was supposed to be simple. Maybe just a B class thing, with himself, Naruto and Haruno Sakura. Despite the tension between a few villages, and the talks of war, it seemed things were looking up for all of them. Naruto was engaged to be married to the shy Hyuuga Hinata. It had taken him a while to catch on to her feelings, but when he did, he gladly returned them, and then some. Their engagement party was scheduled for next week...

Sakura had become, not only a respected medic-nin, but a beautiful and intelligent woman to rival the Hokage herself. Sure, she didn't have the some of the more prominent physical attributes, but she could catch a man's eye without even trying. He recalled that all she had to do was smile at him, and he was pretty much putty in her hands. He's not sure when, how, or even why she had that effect on him, but he was sure that she was the only woman who ever has. There was something just so enchanting about his former student, that it threw him off whenever she was around.

And that was what had slowed his responses during their trip to Suna. Spending so much time with her, even with Naruto around, made him kind of dizzy, but in a good way. He thinks of this as he takes another drink of sake, the trip replaying like a movie in his mind. At one point, while Naruto was asleep, he and Sakura had stayed awake, and did nothing but talk comfortably. The night was chilly, so she had sat very close to him... so close they were touching arm to arm. It wasn't the most erotic thing he could think of by any means, but it was enough to send a shiver up his spine. Another time, she decided the desert heat was too much, so she stripped down to her sports bra, despite warnings from him and (surprisingly) Naruto. He couldn't keep his eyes off of her... even after she started to burn. '_It was almost cute'_, he thinks as he takes another swig from his bottle.

They weren't too far from Suna when they were attacked. They were a group of rebels, just missing-nin that weren't worthy to even be called infamous. However, there were far more of them than there was of Kakashi's group. Three against, if he counted correctly, 50 or so, living out in the desert. He recalled the Kazakage, Gaara, mentioning something to Tsunade about some "bothersome rebels" on the outskirts of his territory. If his memory served him right, the mission had something to do with those said rebel's. The details were hazy considering the amount of alcohol he consumed, but he was fairly certain that was part of the mission. The Kazekage needed help training his forces to deal with it. Not much of a mission...

But they were attacked, and the missing-nin were surprisingly skilled, to some extent. Cunning in others. They had a very nice combination of speed and endurance that the small group of Leaf nin weren't expecting, and with the mid-day desert heat, it was harder than he thought it would be to keep up. Combined with the fact that the shifty sand greatly diminished Sakura's chakra-fused strength, and they were fighting an increasingly losing battle. At some point, the rebels had managed to capture them, covering their heads, and dragging them to some unknown area of the desert. Kakashi swore under his breath remembering this. '_My fault'_, he said to himself, opening some imported alcohol that he didn't bother to read the name of.

They were there for two days, and in those two days, he saw more than he had wanted. He wasn't sure Naruto would ever wake up, considering the amount of poison they stuck in him once they discovered who he was. Apparently, one of the missing-nin was from the Leaf village, and his family was killed by the nine tailed fox. He, of course, took it out on Naruto in the most brutal way's imaginable. Once the blond was poisoned, he was beaten and tortured in front of his terrified and disgusted team mates. By the time they were rescued, Naruto was barely recognizable.

And it was still nothing compared to what they did to Sakura.

His stomach turned to think about it, and his heart fell to his feet. The things they did to her, right in front of him... the things they made him do to her for their own perverse enjoyment... '_They would have killed her if I didn't_.', he told himself, praying that it was an accurate deduction. They said that they would, even going so far as to cut her flesh to prove they weren't afraid to hurt her just because she was a "pretty little bitch", as they put it.

In the back of his mind, he was thinking of a million and one ways to slowly kill them, but nothing he came up with seemed good enough. He listened to her screams, and to the screams of their team mate, wondering why he was left relatively uninjured. Then, shortly before they were rescued, their reason was given: they wanted his eye., and they used Sakura as bait.

The leader, a masked man with a gruff voice and large hands, had pinned her arms behind her as he held a rusty dagger to her neck. The leaders eyes never left Kakashi's visible eye as he spoke.

"I will kill her, Sharingan no Kakashi. I know who you are, I know what you have. Give me the Sharingan, and she will live. Refuse, and I'll kill her, and fuck her corpse in front of you."

The hair on the back of his neck stood up as his eye widened. He wasn't even sure if he was breathing at the time. Then he looked up at her, and he felt so helpless. She wasn't afraid, he noticed, but extremely pissed, and exhausted from the whole thing. Her skin was pale, and had many cuts and bruises, but she wasn't showing fear. He knew she would rather die than have him lose an eye. It killed him that she had that kind of devotion to him, even though he had taught her, and the boys of team 7 the value of never abandoning a team member. He actually mentally kicked himself for those lessons.

"Look at her, Copy-nin! Look at her in the eyes! See the pain you cause her!", the leader said as he used the dagger to make a shallow cut in her shoulder. She barely flinched or winced, and only kept looking at him, silently begging him to not fall for anything their captor was saying. 'He'll kill me regardless', he knew she thought. Suddenly, the hand that was pinning hers to her back moved to her hair, and roughly pulled her head back. He growled at her in aggravation. "Tell him to relinquish it, girl, and your pain ends."

"No.", she said, gritting her teeth together.

He had wanted to tear the man apart so badly that his muscled ached, but the bastard had Sakura in his hands and Naruto close by. Never in his life had he so badly wished he were alone.

The leader growled again, tugging at her hair, making her cry out. "Tell him!", he screamed in her ear, "Tell him you hate him! Tell him he is a failure if he lets you die!"

"Fuck you!", she yelled defiantly, making the leader flinch slightly in anger and surprise. If the situation had been different, Kakashi might have smiled at this. He had never seen her so angry, and it warmed his heart that she was so protective of him. The leader wasn't as amused or heartened by her outburst and dragged her to the silver haired nin kneeling on the ground, his hands tied to his ankles. The man then tossed her to the ground in front of him, and placed a knee to the small of her back while tugging at her hair again, forcing her to look up at her former teacher.

"Why?! Why would you do this? He is pathetic! He can't even save you!"

Kakashi could do nothing but silently agree while staring at her now tear streaked face. The man didn't wait for an answer as he brought her up to be face to face with Kakashi, her nose mere inches from his.

"Is he worth it? Is he worth the pain you've felt here? Is he worth you losing your spirit and your body? Is his life worth more than yours? Is- he- worth- it?!"

With each question, he tugged violently at her hair, making her squeeze her eyes shut and wince. Kakashi was becoming more and more pissed. Of course he wasn't worth as much as she was. Yes, he was the famous Copy-nin, but that was all. She was beautiful, and intelligent, and had a whole lifetime ahead of her. His thoughts were cut short by her simple answer.

"Yes..."

It was quiet, but he and the leader had heard it. He felt sick, and he felt useless. How could she think that way of him? He knew their relationship was changing from student/ teacher, friends, and lately, it seemed, something more. He was reluctant to admit it, even as she blatantly flirted with him in front of her peers, but he didn't think her feeling extended so far that she would sacrifice her life to save his eye. He knew that she knew the story behind it, as he told her one quiet evening under the stars. She had merely listened to him as he spoke, as her eyes displayed sympathy and understanding. It was an innocent encounter, but it still gave him butterfly's to think about the way the moon had lit her face.

And now here she was, perhaps seconds from being killed, and so many things left unsaid between them. Suddenly she went from right in front of him to across the dark tent, a loud, aggravated growl coming from the leader. All Kakashi could do was watch as she was beaten, raped and stabbed. He knew he wasn't breathing as blind rage and terror were filling him, but he couldn't move. He looked toward Naruto, hoping the energetic blond was conscious enough to do something, but Kakashi doubted the young man was even alive.

Suddenly, the ground beneath them began to rumble, the sand shifting almost angrily. He was dimly aware of the tent being ripped from the ground around them, as his eye was locked on Sakura's unmoving form. He wanted to be free, and to grab hold of her and save her and make it better. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry, and that he would never let her get hurt again, and that he loved her...

The realization hit him hard. He was in love with her. It hurt so badly, he could feel his eyes tearing, but they never left her. He was aware someone was shouting something to him, and the vague sensation of the feeling returning to his hands and feet, but he felt so numb. He loved her, and she was probably dead. Her blood soaked into the sand, creating a red muddy texture similar to what was in Gaara's gourd, except fresher. He never felt so utterly disgusting and unworthy of someone in his entire life.

That was many hours ago. Now he lay in some random room in Suna, time meaning nothing. He was checked out by the medical staff, and released, ordered to remain in his room until someone brought him news on his team mates. He stopped off at a local liquor store before he arrived to the tiny Inn, and he's been here since. His mind kept wandering back to the events of those two days, and the more he thought about it, the more he drank. The more he drank, the more he thought about it. It was a vicious cycle, but at least he was letting himself feel it, for the most part.

"Kakashi", a voice said. He was sure it was female, but he didn't bother to turn around to look at her from his spot by the window. It wasn't her voice, so he didn't really care what this other person had to say. "Kakashi", the voice repeated to him, slightly louder.

"Hnn...", was all he did as a response. It wasn't a questioning sound, but more of a 'too drunk too care, what do you want', kind of sound. He didn't even bother to put his mask in place.

The girl walked across the room to stand beside him, carefully avoiding empty bottles, a broken side table (he didn't remember doing that), and his discarded vest and boots. He cocked his head toward her, and sort of recognized her as the Kazekage's sister, Temari.

"You're drunk", she stated simply. He snorted and turned back to the window. "I was told to inform you that they're alive. They're still critical, but they're alive."

He said nothing, taking another drink from his unknown bottle. She rolled her eyes and sighed, her arms crossing her chest.

"You know, this is really pathetic. They're more than likely going to live once that Hokage of yours gets here."

He turned to look at her, his visible eye dark and droopy. "He called me pathetic too..."

"Well... maybe you're not being pathetic...", she started, apologetically, "but I think they wouldn't want you to be this way. They're Jonin's. They've been aware of the things that could happen to them or their team mates. I don't think they would want you feeling sorry for them."

He sat there for a moment, letting her words sink in. He knew they wouldn't like this, at lease not without them there to make it a party. He knew they would rather he just pick himself up, dust off, and be happy that they were alive. Everything else could be dealt with later, and pity wouldn't be an option.

"Do you think they hate me?", he found himself asking.

"No.", she said, looking out the window.

"Do... you... think she'll forgive me?"

His question seemed odd to her, as he never struck her as the type to sulk and get all sentimental over anything. Instead of voicing this concern, she turned to him, and gave him a small smile.

"Ask her when she's recovered."

And with that, she left him alone. He looked at his bottle, and suddenly felt sick. It was rather pathetic of him to drown his sorrow in cheap booze, and even worse of him to bury his former students before they were even dead. And they weren't dead. He should be glad that they were alive... glad that she was alive. If he heard correctly, Tsunade was on her way, and no one could heal like she could. Not only would Sakura and Naruto survive, they would probably, at least in the physical sense, be good as new in a few weeks.

And so Kakashi went to sleep.

It was three months later when he saw either one of them again. They had gone back to Konoha a few days after their ordeal, and they were put on bed rest for as long as they needed it. He saw them on the way back, but once they got home, he avoided them. He couldn't face them since he was responsible for their injuries. Despite there equal ranks, he still felt like he should have been responsible for them. For her especially. It wasn't because he thought she was weak, but because he just didn't want her to be hurt. Ever.

Then one day, as he did his shopping, he ran into Hinata and a still barely limping Naruto. Kakashi did his best to not show his emotions, but one smile from Naruto made his walls crumble. He smiles at the younger man, and gave him a warm embrace. Never in his life had he been so happy to see the blond, and it seemed the feeling was mutual.

"Where the hell you've been?", he asked in his usual brash way, and it made him smile.

"Oh, you know. Here and there", Kakashi simply said.

Naruto smiled wide, expecting the cryptic answer.

"You know, Sakura's been asking for you."

Kakashi's breath hitched a bit at this. He didn't think she would want to see him any time soon.

"Oh really?", he replied, trying to sound as casual as possible.

'Yeah, she needs to talk to you about something. Said it was important."

"I see..."

There was a pause between them, not uncomfortable, but strange none the less. Surprisingly, Hinata was the first to speak.

"She said she'll meet you at her apartment. She hasn't left since coming home."

Kakashi smiled at the pale eyed girl, "Thank you, Hinata.", he said, truly thankful

"You coming to our party? We moved it to two weeks from now.", Naruto asked, trying not to blush.

"Wouldn't miss it." , Kakashi said, before grabbing his groceries and leaving with a polite wave.

Later that night, he found himself standing outside her door. He arrived nearly twenty minutes ago, but he became nervous, and couldn't bring himself to knock. He wasn't sure what he was going to say, or how she was going to react, or if she actually wanted to see him. He didn't think Naruto would lie to him... well, maybe Naruto would, but Hinata wouldn't. That's just not how she was.

Summoning his courage, he knocked, and stepped back from her door. He ran his fingers through his hair nervously, feeling the seconds pass, and his anxiety rise. It took him a moment to hear the soft foot steps on the other side of the door, and his mouth suddenly became very dry. He forced himself to take a breath when she opened the door.

She looked better than he expected. Her shoulder length hair was pulled back by a head band, and she was wearing a baggy t-shirt and sweat pants. Her face had more color in it than when he last saw her, and her eyes sparkled slightly, almost like before. He noticed that she seemed a little guarded.

"Hi.", she said, and stepped back to let him in, her eyes falling to the floor.

He tried not to look too hurt about it as he walked past her into her small living room. She told him to make himself comfortable, and that she was making tea. He accepted when she asked if he wanted any. So he sat and waited for her, not even bothering to look around the room, feeling unworthy of it for some reason. Sakura returned a few moments later with the tea.

"Sorry it's so messy", she started, sitting beside him on her couch. "I haven't really been up to cleaning."

"That's fine. I won't hold it against you."

Their voices were quiet and unsure, and the air was oddly thick. She stirred some sugar into her tea, trying her best to avoid eye contact.

"This is weird.", she said, still staring at her tea. He made a noise in agreement. "I want you to know that... I'm not mad at you. You couldn't prevent anything that happened."

"I wanted to do something, Sakura. I wanted to help you."

"I know..."

Another uncomfortable pause, and Kakashi couldn't help but the feelings in his chest. He wanted to hold her, and beg her forgiveness. He heard her say that she forgave him, but it just wasn't enough to ease his conscious. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was for what he was forced to do to her, and how he wanted to kill every single one of those bastards for touching her. He wanted to ask her why she thought he was worth all of it.

Instead, he stood and made his way to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Leaving. I can't be here with you right now."

She stood and walked towards him, a look of concern and slight panic on her face.

"But... I want to talk to you."

In the far corners of his mind, he knew there was something that she wanted to say to him. Maybe someday he would take a chance, and allow her to speak her mind. Right now, however, he just needed to be away from her. he didn't like the idea of causing her any more distress or confusion. Things had changed between them long ago, and he knew that she knew, but now was not the time to go into it.

"I'm sorry Sakura.", he said before walking out her apartment.

He wandered around the village for the rest of the night, stopping at the memorial stone to think. Then, at nearly six in the morning, he made his way back home, greeted by the quietness of his tiny abode. He removed his Jonin uniform, and slipped on a tank top and sweat pants, tired, and weary. He wanted to stay with her, but he didn't want to hurt her.

He walked over to his bed, longing to just curl up and sleep. The note on his bed stopped him. He picked it up and looked around, hoping he wouldn't have to fight anyone, because he just was not in the mood. He cautiously opened the letter, and was genuinely shocked at the words in front of him.

_'Kakashi,_

_I don't know why you left, but I needed to tell you something's. First, I want you to know that I was mad at you, not because you didn't stop what happened, but because I haven't seen you in so long. Secondly, the other thing I wanted to tell you was that I meant what I said. You are worth everything that I went through. I'd do it again in a heart beat. It's not because you were my teacher, or because you're my friend, but because I do love you. I don't know why. I hope you feel the same. If you don't, I hope this doesn't hurt our friendship. You mean so much to me, I don't want you out of my life._

_Please don't be afraid to talk to me._

_Sakura'_

He couldn't help but smile. She loved him like he loved her. He never thought it would be possible, but here was the proof written in her neat, girly writing.

'_Maybe_', he thought, '_I'll see her after a nap_.'

And so he did.

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_Author's note:_ There you go! Yes, I am going to leave it at that. If someone wants to write a sequel, be my guest. Just be sure to ask first.

I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing.

Loves you to pieces.

-Angel


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